I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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