i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
