I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
