I wish I could teleport
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
