Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
