i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize