Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
