Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
