My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize