This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
