you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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