My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
