in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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