You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
