I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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