i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
