hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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