i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
