Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
