It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
