Im at strip club and am horny
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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