my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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