Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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