dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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