If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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