I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
