Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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