did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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