Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I looked at my own cervix.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
