how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
