At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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