I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize