I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
