i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
