I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
