she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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