I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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