i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
