yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
