Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
