I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
