She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
even my farts smell like vagina
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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