Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
