So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
