got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
