I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
