on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
