I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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