I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
