At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
