my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
