Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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