Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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