I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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