My Higher Power is John Stamos
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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