2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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