I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
