Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
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