the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
