you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
