So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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